hungry, but still having that smile.

argh..hungry, i think, but not wanting to make the food in the fridge. grrrrrrrrr... wanting food i crave which I can nibble, is easy to eat and can be eaten while I am about the house doing tasks, and for it to just suddenly appear without me "having" to make it or order it, etc.

I almost posted that bit on facebook hoping that somebody woudl come over and feed me. but it never works, so I think it's better if I post it here, just to keep a reocrd of my mind. and instead of trying to get my need for connection through others that don't respond on fb, just getting my need for connection by connecting to myself.

calling my husband also helped.. called him to reassure him about his panic he gets when making tickets and to get a blackboard in which to figure out if i should order food.
he doesn't make a great blackboard, bc he jsut tells me to go do the idea instead of figuring out alternative solutions and what is the best solution, but that's okay..
it still worked in terms of letting my mind step out for just a mintue
and come back with a fresh slate and an idea to make a bagel. either a cheese bagel or a jam and butter bagel, i'll decide when the bagel is done. :)

btw, i've been having a bizarre smile on my face 70 to 80 % of the time, the last few days.
ever since I stayed up talking to robert actually.. it wasn't anything he said per say, it wasn't even the fact that i connected iwht an old friend.. is was that I connected with what i want for myself. the kind of person i want to be.

kind.loving. not exactly the way HE defined it, but the way I defined it.
also strong resileint..
with shields up, but probably not the way he talked of shields alhtough i'm not quite sure what he meant by shields
. i don't want a shield which blocks people out which most shields do.
or the kind where feelings and emoitons bounce right off..
but more liek what eagle describes himself as,or what he would like to be for me..
a converter.. where the feelings come in, and get converted back into love or as i add to it, peace harmony understadnign .. stemming from theis amazing compassion spring stemming forth from the wellbspring of beauty deep deep within at my very core. which is strong and my very life force seems to stem from. :)
i usually kept it hidden, or shielded from the world, but i am finding hwen i allow it out and allow it open it's arms to the universe, that i find this silly smile stuck on my face all day.
it's very fascinating.

personally, i have this suspicion that i am probably one of the kindest most compassionate loving people Robert has ever met and not even HE knows quite what a treasure i am. Oh, he has probably met other really kind people and probably much sweeter tehn me, because to be honest, i'm probably not all that sweet, in fact, no, i'm not sweet at all. i'm too aware of life to be sweet, and i get that much of the people he meets are super sweet untarnished by life.. he believes they would also handle "tarnish" very well, and it would bounce right off of them, but true damage.. i wonder..
whereas , i do believe that this compassion within me which is flowing and calming the waters of hatred and anger and helplessness i have lived with much of my life, is something which would wash over the worst of damage and evil in the world and would be able to perhaps maybe not heal it, but have compassion for it..
the kind of compassion which i imagine the dalai lama is capable of ALL the time..
i personally do not have it all the time, and find that I easily still do go into negative spells especially if am hungry or doubting myself, which i am sure the dalai lama probably doesn't go through.. but i suspect that I have it in me more then many other people.
I still haven't figured out how to utilize exactly, but i am certainly aware that it is there.. and that when i allow myself to, it is available as an amazing resource.
maybe i'm kidding myself.. maybe it's not real at all.
but,
i keep thinking i shoudl be more upset by little things here and there..and for a moment, sometimes i am, but overall, somehow i seem to be getting in touch wiht this deeper part of me which appears to have a greater sense of compassion, acceptance, tolerance, and faith.. not even a sense of hope .. but a sense of faith of some kind.. with a strange sort of peace about it.. i still am wigging out on occasion, but the 70% of the time peaceful smile of being in touch with this deep part of myself startles me even more. I wonder if I trust feeling this good about ideas that once used to freak me out. two things do worry me still, but other then those two things.. hmmm, i'm okay it seems.

maybe i'm in denial, can i trust in this faith?
is it real?
is faith real?

is this compassion actually there?

why am i smiling?