i began this morning

originally written 12/02/2018

i began this morning feeling a connection to deep inner love from within soemwhere within the universe, (was it god's love? my own love? love from someone else out there who want me to feel happy, loved and peaceful? was it my ex allowing himself a moment of permission to feel how much love i know he still feels for me, was it someone person i had recently met, was it someone unknown person i had yet to meet but who was reaching out into the universe to me whwrever i was? was it my child's love, pure and beautiful, and sweeter in its purity then any other human being (except when he is feeling rebellious and impatient with me?), was it my own mom's love, also pure when she allowed it to be, was it my deceased father or grandmother or grandparent or some other ancestor reaching out through all space and time?
which was

thinking i would make a video asking for your help and your permission to help me to be able to keep homeschooling my child by helping me to find 20 special clients who wanted me to help them on their journey of bodylistening...  each of these clients wohuld be, would be willing to friends of our family, learning with us, tools and skills and how to practice mindbody listening and mindbody gardening... and in their own way would become a part of our world as we slowly slowly subtly transformed or world into a safe regenerative space for the world.... regenerative to your spirit and ours....

but then i went online to finally watch a video I thought had come across before about fullfilling your destiny.. though i think it turned out it was called fullfilling your purpose or something like that.

mixed in their were also message in my head from an entepeurner that ive heard about its not just about following ones own passions, but listening to the passions of the people you want to buy soemthing from you.

combining and aligning myself  with what i have to give, what i want to give and aligning myself with the people who can and who want to recieve what i have to give..

this would be an okay substitute

okay, in a moment of silliness, I had this thought when I came across this photo...
 so if I can't have my ex's affection, can I have this? - I wouldn't mind have this person's affections and caring heart as a substitute:


anybody know who he is and how we can be connected, lol?

then again, if I had this person in my life, I doubt I would get anything done, I'd just want to spend all day watching him. lol or being curled up next to him looking all day and night looking into his eyes. 

I was just thinking how people go through personal ads looking through photographs looking/searching..

have you ever had moments somebody just slam dunks you and catches your eye.

i was looking through a series of photographs the other day of a lot of people who looked similar to each other and whambam this photographs caught me off guard.  every dam part of it.
talk about physical attraction.
it's nice to know that someone out there IS capable of catching my attention. i thought I was numb in that area.
now if the universe will just send him to me in person. lol.

I know it seems silly, ridiculous

I know it seems silly! And ridiculous to some that is should still believe in the love of someone who threw me away and who has tried to erase me from existence.
Some who wil say i must be insane or this is the definition of insanity or denial or all kinds of other negative pessimistic statements saying i am unrealistic, not being real etc etc believing in the love of a man who after 20 years threw me away with such force.
But i do.
With a passion and a faith and a certainty deeper then almost even my certainly that my son love me that god loves me that family and mom and sister and father loved me.
I knew his love to be far greater then theirs and i simply cannot believe that he or any other human being is humanely .ca of stopping a live like that from ceasing just because they wish it too.
I believe he cares for me and loves me and understands me and wants my happiness even more then they do BUT i also believe that he is afraid.
Afraid of a fear of a diagnosis that he cannot understand
Fear of not knowing how to help me.
Fear of feeling out of control.
Fear of hurting me.
Fear of me hurting him and no getting him be in control
Fear of me not respecting and cooperating with him.
He longs to be with me and his family but he is too afraid.
He needs to have faith in his love and all will be better.
I will live out my remaining years having faith in my love for both him and my son and try to do everything in my power to create a world where scott e pollack will feel safe to share all of his life with us.

cool red cup two

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